I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
