well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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