If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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