i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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