Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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