I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
