Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
