I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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