jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
