I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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