his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
