Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
last night I used snow as a chaser
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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