Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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