Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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