im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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