While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
