What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
