I met the friendliest cop last night
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
