He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
