my phone needs a breathalizer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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