Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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