oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
