I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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