Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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