You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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