Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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