I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
