They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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