Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
