You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
