I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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