So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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