allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
