i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize