dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
