your parents love me but you hate me
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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