I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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