I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
