i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
