On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
