Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
