she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
