Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
