Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
