Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
