make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
