Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
