Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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