he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
