Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
