I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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