i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
