dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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