you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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