I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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