Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
