I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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