if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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