you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You've changed since you got that strap on
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
