We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
